The end of this week will bring our TPR hearing for these kids.
I suppose it’s about time I talk about permanency again. Which is really a difficult thing to do.
We were so adamantly against adopting them in the beginning. But things changed. And not just because they have no one. But because we see so much hope in them. We see the potential they have to become magnificent and important people. We have faith that they will find healing. We have faith that they will let us love them wholly.
And I remember so well how three months into loving Simeon, we weren’t even considering adoption and he was a little monster so often it seemed impossible to imagine him not growing up to become a violent predator, except he was the freaking most adorable and chubby cheeked thing you’ve ever seen. And now it’s hard to imagine he was ever really like that.
I cannot imagine what two and a half years with these kids could bring.
But we’re willing to find out.
The stone cold heart I had towards taking them forever, well, it’s softer now. I can honestly say I’m falling in love with them. Oh, it’s not like it was with Simeon. And I’m cannot say I’m completely sold, I’m still open to a surprise change, but it would have to be a miracle of one. See, I’m getting there. I’m allowing myself the freedom to get there.
If termination does not happen tomorrow, I will probably be a very sad, very shaken mama.
Since everything has happened so quickly and we have been so private about how we’ve processed it all, I feel it would be beneficial to introduce them better: the good, the bad, the ugly.
- The good: Lyberty is a breath-taking beauty. Like you can not fathom the softness of her cheek. The perfect almond crest of her eye. The sweetest cupid’s bow lip. She’s funny. She’s tender and nurturing to cupcake. She’s strong-willed and creative. She’s passionate and vocal and bright. She’s fast and strong.
- The bad: While she loves people, she has so few boundaries people often push her away. Which serves to make her more aggressive in her pursuit. Which pushes people away. She’s stubborn. She’s vocal. She has absolutely no clue how to use the bathroom like a human. She pees on the floor and herself. She forgets to wipe.
- The ugly: When she’s anxious, she’s unmanageable. She becomes a wild child. She climbs on furniture like a monkey. She laughs a shrill, loud laugh so people can’t talk to her. She pulls away. She refuses to acknowledge the presence of others. She climbs on people. She is perfectly detestable.
- The good: Raj has dimples I could spend all day smooching. The kids is adorable. He’s smart as a whip. He’s quiet and observes the world around him. He is generous and tender-hearted. There are times when he’s my most “with it” and he’s most capable of following instruction.
- The bad: He’s so quiet he often gets overlooked. He gives up a lot of things he would like in order to please others. This hurts his heart. He’s less willing to attach and receive affection, encouragement or love.
- The ugly: Raj is a sad, sad boy. Sometimes he has days of heavy boots and it’s impossible to pull him up from it. He cries uncontrollably and vanishes from us. He won’t talk to us about his feelings and so we spend a lot of time watching him break all alone and he won’t let us help. He’s isolated. I worry most about him.
- The good: EVERYTHING! Cupcake is the happiest, chubbiest, most delicious thing you’ve ever met. I had no idea she was teething until she had two teeth. She sings and crows and laughs and claps and waves and giggles and shrieks with joy. She lights up when we walk in the room. She snuggles in our arms like she was formed there (and she kinda was). She’s determined and beautiful. When we carry cupcake into a room the entire energy changes. She is a light and a joy and she doesn’t even know it yet. We are humbled to be able to love her.
- The bad: She’s happy all the time. Even at 5AM. Often at 5AM. This is not good.
- The ugly: Nothing. Seriously nothing.
Prayers for tomorrow would be most appreciated, though I’m not sure I even know what to ask you to pray for. The Lord’s will be done is always a good one.