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They can’t take the blame.

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When we first said yes to the three, we did so cautiously.

We were told some really scary things. Nothing totally foreign, but we certainly expected a handful (ha!).

Their first week with us wasn’t even half as bad as I expected. And instead of the honeymoon wearing off, it actually seems to be getting better (knock on wood, spit, turn around, do the shimmy and all).

Which has lead Leo and I to asking ourselves about how chaotic their previous placements must have been.

And how unfairly they must have been judged.

Honestly, their biggest issues are that they are twin four year olds (can you say whack-a-mole?) and that they simply haven’t been taught basic social skills OR have been taught bad habits. They get extremely stressed when faced with the unexpected (duh!). They don’t do well with new people and places (gee, I wonder why).

But really. They’re good kids. Kids who are hungry for consistency, routine, a hug once in a while, an atta boy/girl! You know, the simple things that all kids crave. And with these few things, most of the people who knew them six weeks ago wouldn’t even recognize them. They’re softer and quieter and more self-controlled. They laugh more and cry/rage less. They’re certainly still hurt. They certainly still have big feeling and serious issues that need to be faced and battled, but those things are so very normal given how much these kids have moved, been left, been let down.

And that makes me so, so angry.

because, seriously! How hard is this?! They never should have been “labeled” as they were. They never should have moved so many times. They never should have been failed so epically by so many adults!!! And the more I’m learning, the greater that number becomes. It’s INSANE how many times these kids could have been helped and weren’t. I’m really fighting bitterness against the people who simply accepted the expectation that these kids were out of control and didn’t take the time to find out anything else about them. I’m shocked at the number of people who missed the textbook behaviors. Seriously! People I have respected have failed.

And I know that we all miss the big picture sometimes. And I know we all make mistakes. But it just doesn’t seem fair that so many people failed at once (Or rather repeatedly over the past four years).

And now, Leo and I want to do what ever we can possibly do to make sure they’re never failed ever again.

And I believe God is blessing that. But I still don’t know what the future for them looks like. And termination is coming soon. And that scares the begeezes out of me. But I trust these kids will not be left behind again and that we will know what to do to make sure of that.

Amen.

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About Monica

Christ following, husband loving, children hugging foster and adoptive mama.

8 responses »

  1. Your post reminded me of one of my favorite quotes by Marc Parent,

    “You hear about children falling through the cracks in the system. Let me tell you something, there is no system, there are only people. Children don’t fall through cracks, they fall through fingers.”

    It makes me mad too. Mad and sad.
    You guys are awesome.

    Reply
  2. Oh my goodness, Maggie’s quote made me cry.

    I’m so sorry those beautiful children were let down. I’m so sorry they travelled the path that they did. But I know He watched as they went along and blessed the path that led them to you.

    Reply
  3. This post choked me up! I’m so glad to hear that the children truly have an advocate now…a family that is caring for them and their best interests. It’s so sad when you see how miserably they’ve been failed in the past!!

    God bless you and Leo!!

    Reply
  4. Melissa in Durham

    I’m so glad things are going well!
    I read your blog all the time, but I’m a lurker. I have probably commented once or twice before in the year or so I have been reading your blog. This might sound completely crazy, but I am going to put myself out there and see. I discovered your blog because I follow the blog “Our Growing Family”. I want to give a little history and ask if you would e-mail me.
    I am a lesbian in a committed relationship with one biological daughter we planned for together. For our entire 10 years together we planned to have children, and early on, in the first 6 months of our relationship, my wife/partner said if I wanted biological children that is fine with her, but would I consider also being a foster parent or adopting from the foster care system. I have to say the minute she said that I felt like God had just revealed a piece of His plan for my life. I describe myself as spiritual rather than religious and I believe God has plans for all of us.

    All my life I wanted to be a parent. I knew that if I could not have biological children, I would pursue adoption. At age 22 I fell in love with my best friend, a woman. I had never been in any romantic relationship with a woman. As our relationship progressed and she told me she wanted to pursue being foster parents, I thought my desire to parent and my falling in love with a woman with a heart for foster care was all supposed to happen. Fast forward to now and we are pursuing our foster care license while we finish some home renovations before adding to our family. Our daughter is about to turn 5. We had planned years ago to have one biological child, and then when that child was 4 or 5, we would try to adopt 2-3 kids younger than her. I’m sure you know the history of Our Growing Family and how they had heard about Sprout from a friend of a friend of a friend that was requesting that he be moved due to having 3 kids in her house and feeling his behaviors were too much for them. I know that you have said you don’t plan to adopt again. I’m not trying to say you shouldn’t consider adopting these 3 kids because it sounds like you are feeling unsure of the next steps for these kids and might be on the fence. If you choose to adopt them that will be a wonderful thing.
    We never planned to look outside of our homesate, but I wonder if you would be willing to e-mail me at all, possibly share your home state, so I could just research what it would take for us to adopt from your state. I have felt pulled by your story since I first began reading it. I have gone back in your blog to read more of your story. When you first began writing about this placement I felt differently about this story then others. I don’t want to appear as a crazy person or a stalker or anything. I wish you no harm ever in the world, but I feel called to look into whether or not these kids could possibly be a good fit in our family. Again, I do not want to scare you, and if you feel uncomfortable, please tell me. You can also ignore this comment completely. At any rate, I wish you and your entire family, including all the kids no longer living with you that I know will always be part of your family and in your heart all the best. It is wonderful that you have taken this placement and I’m so happy for you that it is going better than you expected.

    Reply
    • Melissa in Durham

      I have to add, seeing as how the blog I quoted commented here, I’m going off memory and I read a whole lot of blogs, so hopefully I remembered the story wtih Sprout correctly. I just hope I don’t sound completely insane. I feel that when things are right you know it and so anytime I feel compelled to pursue something I do. If nothing came of this it woudl not be the first time, but I figure it is better to look into it and see than to never know what could have been.

      Reply
  5. Every child deserves a chance and you have partnered with God to give these kids just that. Praise God for your dutiful work and helping to shape these children and give them a brighter future. Blessings and great big hugs to you!!!

    Reply
  6. So glad these kids have you on their team now!!! I know you are blessed by them for sure.

    Reply
  7. I just wanted to say that my partner is a special-ed teacher (EBD) and says she can always tell the true climate of the room when a new kid gets added. Glad they are on your side 😉 And I bought her a leather journal for Christmas called “Whack A Mole: Tales from the Basement” to record her crazy teaching stories!

    Reply

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