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Journal 1

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As I said last week, I’ve not been a very good blogger. And I have things to say. And I want to share about fostering because I believe this community is important. So I’m going to try journaling a few times each week. 

Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

Reuben, Zeb, Dinah, Gad, Ophelia, Angelo, Bianca, Claudius, Cordelia, baby D, Ed’Mund

These are the children that have come through our home so far. Some stayed for months. One only a night. I’ve tantrumed on my soapbox about the saying “I could never foster. I would love them too much.” So, I’ll skip it this time. What I will say is that it’s hard. It’s really, really hard. Even the pair I chose to have removed from my home, I miss very much. I think about what I could have done better. How I could have loved deeper. There are countless “if onlys…” that creep into my falling asleep thoughts.

And the ones that came and went quickly. I wonder how they are, where they are. I hope that my heartache for them can be felt in some cellular, time-space spanning way.

Cordelia. There are days when I still mourn the loss of her. Not for her. For me. Entirely for me. I love her so deeply still. Still. And there are days when I look at her picture and I’m surprised by the tears that spring up. Cordelia will always have a part of my heart. Yes. It hurts very much.

And Baby D. I struggled so to find deep love for him. I was a little afraid the goodbye of Cordelia broke me a little. But then it came, sweeping over me in the middle of the night as I held him to my chest. And now, I quake at the thought of him leaving soon.

We’ve given part of ourselves to these children. And the kids each leave such deep impressions on our hearts that we will never be able to forget them. To replace them. No matter how many hundreds we love.

We’ve been given a gift. A painful, wonderful, thrilling gift.

By the way, if you wandered here and are thinking about fostering, but are afraid you will love them too much – two things.

First, that’s impossible.

Second, would that be so bad?

You can do it. You’ll be surprised. You can do it.


About Monica

Christ following, husband loving, children hugging foster and adoptive mama.

3 responses »

  1. Love, love, love, love, love.

    and, Amen.

  2. I’m looking forward to hearing more.

    I really respect the way you love despite it’s inevitable pain.

  3. Shawntelle, Monique, Larry,Davontae, Danayla, Brianna, Macel,Phaelon, Christopher, Jada, Romel, Bella & Austin :0( I feel your sadmess. Some went to good places, some not so good, some I just don’t know. But they will always be my children and I love them.


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