Attaching to a toddler is hard.
Baby D. does not feel that attaching to Leo or me is really all that difficult.
I’ve been struggling a lot with not feeling momish to this little guy. But, I do like him. A lot.
He’s freakin’ gorgeous. And he’s funny. And when he’s not throwing ear peircing tantrums, he’s really a pleasant little booger.
So… I’ll keep him for as long as he needs me. And I’ll kiss him, and hug him and stare into his eyes. I’ll sing to him and rock him and feed him good food. But I’m having a hard time loving him in that mom place.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m little guarded after losing Cordelia, or because I’m afraid of Simeon feeling like there’s less room for him, or maybe I’m just not supposed to feel so feely for this kid.
But I’ve been seriously talking to Jesus about it. And y’all, there’s the barliest spark starting. It happened first on Friday. He snuggled on my shoulder and patted my back. Then sat up and patted my face. And smiled. And my stomach did a little sumersault.
And it happened again today. He snuggled in my lap and smeared crackers on my pajama pants. And smiled. In my eyes. And I felt the slightest flicker of the good kind of ache in my heart.
I’m sharing this because there may be some foster parents out there who have felt the lovey, gooey feelings before, and are also feeling… dry? Or maybe a foster parent who’s afraid they will never be able to feel real parent love.
I’m sharing because I want you to know that attachment is a two way street. And sometimes we have to work on attaching us to them, too. And sometimes a child will come in and you will “feel” that this is your child. And you will love easily and freely and the sweet lovey feelings will be free flowing.
And sometimes a child will come in and you will not. Even if you like them quite a lot. And it’s OK. It doesn’t mean the palcement is wrong. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you (or me). Sometimes, it simply takes time. And prayers.