Last night I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t so much silent, as Leo was snoring in my ear, but the house was still and I was missing Cordelia.
To be fair though, the sleeplessness could be due to the dozen or so chocolate treats I had before bed. You know, give or take.
When I think about her, it feels like there’s a weight on my chest. I know she’s safe. I know she’s loved. I know she’s with her family and that they want her and that’s better than anything I could ever offer her. But it doesn’t really make the hurt less.
I know that once new children come, there won’t be time to be sad anymore. I am going to try to wait until the middle of January to take in new children. Simeon has a hearing and citizen review coming up the first two weeks of the new year. I start back to teaching on the 10th. There’s a lot to do. A lot that we should settle into before we welcome new children. Of course I say that now…
But during the next few quiet nights, I think I’ll just give into the grief a bit. I’ll carry around this heavy weight and long for our sweet baby girl. And I’ll know that I loved her so much that I let her go.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave…”
So much that he gave.
He gave big.
The next few days, I’ll also be celebrating in that quiet, sacred place in my heart that God gave and I’ll gladly receive. And again, I’ll know that I loved so much that I also gave. Not the same. Not even close. But I also gave. With equal parts gladness and grief. And I trust that I’ll be able to do it again.
I hope you all have a sweet, sweet Christmas.