I would not consider myself a trail blazer, but I’m no lemming either. I didn’t drink the cool-ade. I didn’t sell my soul.
I truly believe this ‘system’ can work. I know there are flaws. I know where it breaks down and why. But I also understand the foster care vision and mission. At least, I think I do.
I think the biggest problem is that we’re desperately trying to patch a break in humanity, and as mere humans, we cannot patch a wound of eternal consequence.
Lately, as Leo and I have shared our heart ache with others we’ve received a variety of discomforting sympathies. The worst of which is the belief that returning Cordelia to her family is a great injustice to us and to her. Frankly, I don’t believe this to be the case.
Injustice is a mother who knowingly uses crack while pregnant. Injustice is a mother who abandons her child because of her own desires. Injustice would be no one stepping in to help, even when doing so could save a life (yeah, ouch! so many places this one stings). Injustice would be us refusing to give love to Cordelia’s family, to Cordelia, or to the next child because we want, want, want…
Leo and I are not being punished by losing Cordelia. She’s not being punished either. The grief we are feeling is natural. It’s good. It doesn’t feel good, but good it is. Cordelia’s family didn’t know she existed. There are so many things wrong with this situation, but denying them a child they clearly love and want isn’t going to make things better. Even if we have loved her first.
And I know in the flesh it doesn’t make sense. I’ve wrestled with it, too. Still, I know that I have given Cordelia the best of starts. Because of me, she will know how to be comforted. Because of me, she will know how to play. Because of me, she will have a chance to develop healthy, whole relationships. I have given her an ideal beginning. She will be better because of me. And I know that she will not feel unwanted, or unloved. When I say goodbye to her, I trust that from my cells to hers, she will sense being wanted and loved, not disconnected or rejected. I trust that God has a better plan for her than that. Because I know that my God is just. I know it my very cells.
So as I pack her things, as I fold her tiny clothes and prepare her Christmas (because we’re sending her off with a full Christmas to celebrate her arrival to her family) I imagine I am carefully and tenderly wrapping and packaging my own heart. If I’m going to send off a piece of myself, I’m going to do it in style and I’m going to choose to do it with joy. Not with cries of injustice.
But you must return to your God; maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always. -Hosea 12:6