We are on day three in the pit.
This time it’s bad. Really bad.
Simeon has no t.v., no sugar and lots of sleep. He’s still wildly out of control.
As I write this, Leo is in the back with him, thwarting hits, kicks and a barrage of ear peircing screams and wails. All because Simeon had started to poop his pants and was asked to sit on the potty.
For the past two nights we’ve been wrestling the anger inside of our sweet boy. He’s hit, he jumped and scratched and at one point accidentally kicked me in the face.
It’s so isolating and frustrating and heart-breaking. The world sees our sweet boy as lively and happy and optimistic, but once we close the door all the hurt and fear are released and we see the ugly monster that lives just under the surface.
I thought we were through the worst of things, but as it turns out, we are not. His rages are more violent and more manipulative than ever before. And this is all part of the cycle.
When he’s good, he’s Stepford good. Pleasant, obedient, affectionate. Then, as the tides change, he lies, he’s willful and manipulative. It’s subtle, but within days we’re here. On lock down with the uncontrollable fire inside of him.
I think we need help. And while I’m not eager to label my child, this IS NOT normal. And if you’ve never been locked in a room with a beast of this magnitude, you have no idea what it’s like. The worst temper tantrum your preschooler can come up with cannot begin to demonstrate the brute strength a 32 pound four-year old is capable of. If you’ve never looked into the eyes of your child and watch as the light that you know as the real him vanishes and his face grows into a hardened stranger, then you have no idea how intimidating the little broken pieces of his soul can be.
Days like these, we feel very much alone. And while I truly believe that complete restoration, healing and bonding can be achieved through treatment and prayer, a whole lot of prayer, there are days that it seems like it will never happen.
I will be scheduling a psychological evaluation this week. I need help and I’m not going to deny the damage he’s suffered. Sometimes a problem is bigger than we can handle and I’m not afraid of a diagnosis and I believe that this is right.