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Rage as performance art

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We are on day three in the pit.

This time it’s bad. Really bad.

Simeon has no t.v., no sugar and lots of sleep. He’s still wildly out of control.

As I write this, Leo is in the back with him, thwarting hits, kicks and a barrage of ear peircing screams and wails. All because Simeon had started to poop his pants and was asked to sit on the potty.

For the past two nights we’ve been wrestling the anger inside of our sweet boy. He’s hit, he jumped and scratched and at one point accidentally kicked me in the face.

It’s so isolating and frustrating and heart-breaking. The world sees our sweet boy as lively and happy and optimistic, but once we close the door all the hurt and fear are released and we see the ugly monster that lives just under the surface.

I thought we were through the worst of things, but as it turns out, we are not. His rages are more violent and more manipulative than ever before. And this is all part of the cycle.

When he’s good, he’s Stepford good. Pleasant, obedient, affectionate. Then, as the tides change, he lies, he’s willful and manipulative. It’s subtle, but within days we’re here. On lock down with the uncontrollable fire inside of him.

I think we need help. And while I’m not eager to label my child, this IS NOT normal. And if you’ve never been locked in a room with a beast of this magnitude, you have no idea what it’s like. The worst temper tantrum your preschooler can come up with cannot begin to demonstrate the brute strength a 32 pound four-year old is capable of. If you’ve never looked into the eyes of your child and watch as the light that you know as the real him vanishes and his face grows into a hardened stranger, then you have no idea how intimidating the little broken pieces of his soul can be.

Days like these, we feel very much alone. And while I truly believe that complete restoration, healing and bonding can be achieved through treatment and prayer, a whole lot of prayer, there are days that it seems like it will never happen.

I will be scheduling a psychological evaluation this week. I need help and I’m not going to deny the damage he’s suffered. Sometimes a problem is bigger than we can handle and I’m not afraid of a diagnosis and I believe that this is right.


About Monica

Christ following, husband loving, children hugging foster and adoptive mama.

7 responses »

  1. Do what you need to do – diagnoses are not harmful to those who truely need them. I’ll add my voice to your prayers as someone who knows exactly what its like to be in that room with the stranger that is supposed to be your son. If it weren’t for this darn distance, I’d be at your house in my work clothes in a flash. I’m so sorry you’re feeling alone, but so very glad you are getting the help you need. You are an amazing advocate for Simeon.

  2. Praying for your little man. He’s in the right family. God looked across the country and picked you. You are the one.

  3. You are not a failure because you need help.

    We are here to experience life TOGETHER. That doesn’t only mean us helping children like a one way street. It means everyone helping everyone, a reciprocal loop connected all over the earth. God blessed our society with the knowledge of psychology and therapy, utilize that knowledge from God through science. God blessed us with medications, if necessary utilize that blessing also. Never rule out a blessing God is trying to offer you because it doesn’t arrive with a halo and wings.

  4. Oooohhh…I’m praying for you.
    I know exactly where you are. And I know how draining and taxing it is.

    It is not wrong to need help. And if a diagnosis and/or meds is what Simeon needs to get through this season of his life – then getting it for him is the most loving thing you can do for him.

    You have done so much for your little boy. What you are doing is hard! I’m here to affirm it! (I wish we lived closer so I could do more than that!) There is no one who fosters who feels perfect at it – and if they do, they’re wrong! 🙂 You are doing a great job – and Simeon is benefiting from your love even when he doesn’t show it.

    When you look in your little boys eyes and it seems there is no one there, look one more time and see Jesus. He tells us he is there. He is there waiting for us in ‘the least of these’ when we are loving and caring for them.
    So when you are fighting for the beautiful little boy you know is in there somewhere – know that there is nowhere you could be that is closer to Jesus.

    And I am praying, praying, praying for you.

  5. Of course you need help. God puts the exact right people in your path, exactly when you need them. We’re not supposed to do this alone.

    I’ll do my part and pray, pray, pray. Love you.

  6. Praying, praying, praying!! Hang in there.

    Jeremiah 31:25 “I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”


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