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A better, brighter day

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I woke up today and glared at the alarm clock. Then I went face first again. This time, I prayed.

Today is better than yesterday. Of course I still doubt my parenting. I still wonder if I can love him enough.

But I remember that parenting is hard. Parenting an emotionally challenged child is harder. And single parenting an emotionally challenged child is impossible (10 days until Leo is home for good for a while!).

Or at least it feels that way.

Today, Simeon and I went to VBS. He did some weird introversion for the first half, then he was manic and finally regressed to clingy koala by the end. All in all, he did great!

At the end, I stood in back of the room and looked out at the sea of children before me. There was my beautiful, curly-headed boy. On the surface, he looks exactly like every other kid in the room. Some were shy, some precocious, some loud, some crying.

But underneath it all, he’s different. And not just because he’s a foster child.

While most of the other children in the room were being held in their mother’s arms, learning their mother’s face, being rocked to sleep, My boy was left alone in a dark room while his mother “entertained” strangers.

While most of the other children were learning to play with brightly colored toys and began to develop a response and an understanding of the world around them, my boy’s mother was fleeing the state with him in hopes that no one would find out about the crimes she committed.

I could do more of those comparisons, but the point is that my boy looks pretty normal. He acts pretty normal most of the time, but the truth is that he’s not.

He didn’t develop the way most other children do. I know he’s not the only traumatized child, but it certainly feels that way sometimes.

So today isn’t so bad. I feel better. Simeon’s better. The sky is a beautiful, brilliant blue.

There will be more days like yesterday to come, and that’s OK. I’m willing to work through them. To feel the tough feelings and to help my dear boy in hopes that one day he won’t just look the same on the outside, but he’ll feel happiness and wholeness within, as well.

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About Monica

Christ following, husband loving, children hugging foster and adoptive mama.

4 responses »

  1. I’ve been thinking about this same thing lately. That if these boys happen to be with us one or two years down the road, if they will ever just be able to be whole instead of having to look at the world through this colored lens due to their experience.
    I hope so. I hope their hearts can mend.

    Reply
  2. I also hope their hearts can mend. And that they remember the love you have for them.

    Reply
  3. They can mend, and maybe even be stronger because they’ve had the kind of loving attention that foster parents give.

    In my life I’ve had experiences that I wouldn’t want to repeat, but they’ve taught me, forced me to be strong and develop good characteristics. I think it can be the same with the traumas that foster children have gone through. We wish those things didn’t happen, but God turn it around when the children have help to cope.

    Reply
  4. My darling daughter,
    It is so amazing to me to hear you talk about all that you are feeling. A mother’s love is unexplainable, irrational and just plain unending. Whether you brought that child into this world or suddenly found him in your arms….a mother’s love WILL mend a broken heart. One thing you must remember though, is that try as you might you are not perfect ( I know this is a foreign concept to you) but darling I am your mother ,and trust me you are not perfect. BUT…you are darn near close to it. So just keep on loving that beautiful little boy, continue to pray for wisdom, patience, and understanding…and I will pray that you will focus on all the wonderful times that you and your little boy have had and know that no matter what happens he will carry that love in his heart and never remember anything else.
    I love you and He does too.
    Mom

    Reply

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