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One year ago today…

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I looked at the calendar and remembered that one year ago today was a pretty tragic time for me. One year ago today I was lying on my couch with severe back pain. Around 7 pm I decided to head to bed in hopes of rest when my cell phone rang. After a very confusing couple of minutes and phone call exchanges the news had been settled, my biological father had passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. It was shocking, but I had little time for shock. By the next afternoon I was in such pain I was rushed into emergency gallbladder surgery – actually I was rushed into the emergency room where I waited 6 hours for emergency gallbladder surgery, but that’s all for another post.

My father and I had a very strained relationship and hadn’t spoken in months. I had never even given my gallbladder a thought. I grieve very much the loss of hope for reconciliation with my father. I haven’t missed my gallbladder one bit. I’m more careful and make healthier choices as a result of both losses. I eat better and move more. I love better and forgive more.

Today is a sad day, but it’s also a day of hope for me. I’ll never be able to reconcile the loss of relationship with my father. I’ll never know what could have been, but I know better how to prevent this kind of hopelessness. I know now how important it is to keep forgiving and seeking forgiveness, even when it seem pointless. I know my heavenly Father is faithful and present and forgiving and loving and my relationship with Him is a healing, hopefull, peace rendering one.

Today will pass with frequent pause for grief. Maybe next year too. And the year after that. Eventually, I’ll look at the calendar and realize a week later that the anniversary has passed. I’ll pause to reflect and continue with living. Eventually, this day will be shadowed by more losses to reflect on and more grief to contend, as that’s the progression of things. But always, I’ll carry with me the lesson I’ve learned and I pray that I become a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better wife and a better mother because of it all.

Amen.

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About Monica

Christ following, husband loving, children hugging foster and adoptive mama.

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